I never really had pets when I was growing up. I had a few stray cats that befriended me and I remember a dog that didn’t last too long. Not sure what happened to the dog but I know that canine incontinence played a part.
I did have goldfish. I don’t know whether we bought them or I won them at a fair. I do remember them being on a shelf in our living room. My job was to feed them and clean the bowl. I named them Ishka & Bibble. Ish Kabibble was a stage name for a comedian and cornet player from Pennsylvania who was famous around that time.
One morning I came into the living room glanced at my fish and did a double-take. I expected to see two goldfish. Instead there was half a goldfish; its head was missing. I didn’t know if I was looking at Ishka or Bibble. The truth is I couldn’t tell one from the other anyway. I stared at it and said “Mom what happened to Ishka & Bibble?”, “Oh Russell”, she answered, “a terrible thing happened, I forgot to feed them and they got so hungry they ate each other.”. I was 7 years old but I knew there was something fishy about mom’s explanation. The first thing that struck me was that the goldfish in the bowl was more silver than gold. The second thing that occurred to me was that if one ate the other, wouldn’t the remaining one still have a head with a mouth? Logical even at that age. Without looking at her I said, “But mom where’s its head and why is it silver?”. I demanded to know. I turned to look at her and she was doubled up with her legs crossed trying to suppress laughter and pee. Finally she confessed that it was all her fault. She was changing the water in the fish bowl and had put the fish into the kitchen sink. So far so good. But mom had forgotten to put the plug in the sink and Ishka and Bibble went down the drain. So it was nishka (not here in Yiddish) Ishka & nishka Bibble. That’s when mom came up with her “brilliant” idea. She opened a can of sardines, took out one, removed the head and put it in the bowl, filled it with water and put it back on the shelf. The mystery of the vanishing goldfish was solved. No one ever accused my mom of being humorless.