This is perhaps one of the craziest events involving a utility company.
Typically, when I phone a utility company, I brew myself a strong cup of coffee, set out my good luck charms, just like a bingo player, cross my fingers and dial.
In July 2007 we had just returned from a holiday in England. The house was still standing and nothing seemed to be amiss. I picked up the house phone to call my kids and discovered that there was something wrong with the line. There was a lot of static on the line; it was difficult to hear. I had heard on the news while we were in London that there had been a massive rain storm a few days before in Toronto so I figured there was water in a box up a pole somewhere in the area and in a few days all would be well.
A few days later, on a Monday, all was still not right with the phone, in fact it was getting worse. So I called Bell and scheduled a call for Wednesday.
Angie and I had cell phones, but we were with Rogers. My phone barely worked in our kitchen; it sure as hell didn’t work downstairs where my office was. I had tried to get the cell phone service improved. I wanted the cell phone service that Agent Jack Bauer used. You know who I mean; the character played by Kiefer Sutherland on the TV show 24. Jack’s phone seemed to work on a plane, on a train, even down a drain. His phone even worked in subterranean passages. My phone barely worked in the kitchen. Fiction or not; that was what I wanted; that was my goal.
Wednesday morning arrived. I picked up the phone and the line was dead. Good, it meant that the repair guy was working on it. I looked out the window and couldn’t see a repair truck. Oh well!
That day was the hottest day of the year, with temps close to 40c. I stayed home in the a/c. I checked the phone during the day and still dead. At 4pm there was a knock on the door. The Bell repair tech was standing there, “I’m here to repair your phone”, he announced. “haven’t you been working on it all day?”, I inquired. Apparently he hadn’t. Oh well he’s here now. I showed him into the backyard and let him take it from there. Several times I saw him going back and forth between his truck and the telephone poles just outside the backyard.
Still jet-lagged from our trip to London; Angie and I were in bed by 9pm that night. The phone still wasn’t working. Wow!
The next morning, bright and early, I got up and of course, checked the phone. Still dead. Double wow!
I used my cell phone and picked up any messages left on the Bell answering service. One of the messages was from the Bell tech. “It’s 9:30 pm, your line is now working, goodnight”. Huh?
So now I’m confused.
I used my cell phone and dialed 310 BOMBAY to call the Bell Tech guy. Sure enough, I get a guy with a strong East Indian accent asking me how he can help. One of my favourite comedians is Peter Sellers and his portrayal of an Indian in movies such as The Party and The Millionairess are classics. When they are trying to help me over the phone I hear Peter Sellers doing his impressions. Not helpful, but it is what it is.
“Vell sir how can I help you?”, he began. I explained my situation. “Vell ve can schedule a new appointment for next Monday”. Now I can hear Peter Sellers in The Goon Show and I’m Neddie Seagoon. “Sir,” I said, “the original appointment hasn’t yet been finished. You don’t need to schedule a new appointment; this is a recall!”. “But sir, my computer record shows that your problem is resolved.”, he offered. “Look, if the problem was resolved I wouldn’t be phoning you on my cell phone would I”? Now I’m sounding like John Cleese as Basil Fawlty. The logic of my argument is inescapable. “Vell sir the problem could be inside your house with the viring. Vhat I am suggesting is that you go outside and find the grey box attached to the side of your house. The box vill have a place for you to insert your house phone jack”. I know where I want to insert my house phone jack and it’s not in that box. However, I will follow his logic. If I want to get anywhere I will have to eliminate the usual suspects.
I don’t remember there being a place for a phone jack, but outside I go and locate the grey box. There is no place to insert a phone jack. I opened up the box and was confronted by a spaghetti of wires. What a mess in there. But I did see two wires that were unattached; so I attached them. Guess what? I now had a dial tone on my house phone. There was a forecast of further torrential rain so I thought it important to get Bell back just to make sure that everything was right and tight. I phoned 310 BOMBAY again and of course got a new agent, also Indian. I went through the whole routine again sounding more and more like Basil Fawlty, getting upset and vocally irate. I spoke to his supervisor, a North American woman with perfect English. I got nowhere. The appointment was set for Monday; there was nothing they could or would do; it was impossible to get a tech out before Monday.
I phoned my son, Adam, another Basil Fawlty fan and told him what had transpired this morning. He laughed at my telling the story and my Indian accent, which I do very well. I had an Indian lady working for me at one time and when I would do my Indian accent she would laugh and say I sound like her uncle. One day I met the uncle and she was right. But I digress. Adam asked me where I was, a strange question. “I’m in the kitchen, why?” I asked him. “Well, because you have a different phone number”. Huh? It seems that the number showing up on his phone was not my home phone number. Oh well at least I can dial out. So I asked Adam to call me back on that number. After a few minutes, my cell phone rang. It was Adam telling me that he dialed the number and got a strange voice on the answering machine. I phoned the number myself; he was right. This is crazy. I got on to my computer and entered the phone number and found out that my “new” number actually belonged to my neighbour a few doors south of me. Ooops! So out I go again, back to the box of spaghetti. There were a few more loose wires. I played around until I got another dial tone. Using my cell phone, I dialed my home phone. A woman’s voice answered, “hello?” she said. “Oh sorry”, I replied “wrong number” and hung up. Now, very carefully I dialed my home number again. This time the phone was answered by a man, “who’s this?”, I asked. “No,no, who’s that?” came the reply. Now I’m remembering an old vaudeville act and a game I used to play with my dad. “Who dat down dere?”. But wait, the voice is strangely familiar. It’s my dentist, Morris, whose office is at the corner of my street a few houses north of me. “Is that Morris?” I asked incredulously. “Yeah, who’s this?” he said. “It’s Russell” I answered. “Morris what are you doing in my kitchen?” I laughed. “Russell what are you doing calling on a line we haven’t used in 10 years?” He was laughing too. I gave him a mini explanation. We are now in the middle of a full blown Basil Fawlty sketch. This is crazy!
Dear reader, if I tell you that within 45 minutes there were two Bell repair vans outside my house, please, believe me, I am not exaggerating. It took them five hours to sort out the mess. The impossible had been made possible by my neighbours complaining. Seems that the original repairman had not done his job and the new repairmen had to replace wiring and boxes and who knows or cares what. That day I applied to Vonage for their VOIP service. As soon as the Vonage box arrived I dumped Bell. Pity, because I had always been a fan of Bell and their service. But it’s a new era. Since Bell was de-monopolized their service has gotten worse and worse. Ironic, ain’t it?
Shortly after I had switched to Vonage I was trying to phone a number in Belize. I was having a hard time so I phoned the Vonage call centre. A man answered and I explained that I was a new customer and asked him how I dialed Belize? “It’s 911, sir” he replied. 911 I thought, why does that sound familiar. Suddenly it came to me. “No Belize you fool not police” (now I’m sounding like the Captain from another story), oh god I’m in another episode of Fawlty Towers. Then I heard the guy say “there’s no such place as Belize”. Lord help me, I’m stuck in a loony bin. This just gets worse and worse. “I just came back from a week’s holiday there, whadda you mean there’s no such place as Belize?”, I shot back and slammed the phone down. What a fiasco. Finally, I googled Belize and made sure that it did exist and in fact did have an area code.
If you’ve ever switched phone companies you know that for weeks after you switch you get hounded by them, begging and pleading for you to come back. Phone calls, letters from the VP pleading with you “it’s just not the same without you” read one letter. Ironic because when I was a customer I couldn’t get service now I’m an ex-customer I can’t stop them from calling. And the phone calls….. They were from a call centre in India and the line quality was so poor that it was hard to hear who was calling and what they wanted. Clearly, they were using VOIP or should I say unclearly. During one conversation, when the line quality was reasonable, I was asked who my service provider was. I told the caller that it was Vonage. “Oh well, we can do much better than Vonage. For one thing, our call quality is much higher”, he explained. I laughed out loud at that comment and replied that I can barely hear him. Seriously, what is going on in this world? I still chuckle when I think of the irony of calling on a terrible VOIP line to explain that one of their outstanding features is line clarity. I asked him if I could call 60 countries for free. Of course, the answer was “no”. I asked him if I could have a London number that would call to my phone in Toronto. Of course, the answer was “no”. “Then what do I need you for?”, I asked and that was when the calls stopped. Now the only calls I get from call centres are people with thick foreign accents wanting to clean my heating & air conditioning ducts. With their accent, it sounds like ducks. I usually reply that I don’t have any ducks, but I do have a family of raccoons in the backyard that could do with a wash and brush up. Those calls have now stopped too.
I loved the Monty Python shows. The first sketch I remember watching was the Dead Parrot Sketch. I remember laughing so hard I thought I’d pass out.
Now, watching it again, it’s not so funny because this craziness happens almost anytime we call a utility company.
Scan with your phone.
It’s now March 2022, 15 years later. I’m still with Bell and still with Vonage. The Devil you know, etc. Now when I phone Bell for service, I get a message that says, “Most problems can be resolved by rebooting your modem, so let’s do that first and see if that is the remedy”. Sounds reasonable, but not if you’re on a VOIP phone which requires the internet. If the modem is rebooted, my phone goes dead. There’s no way of getting around that message. So much for progress. A Bell Specialist called me this morning. I told him about the “rebooting modem” problem and he said, “oh yes, I see your point”. I wonder if that will ever be fixed. This is still the Craziest Planet I’ve ever lived on.